That Stupid Tree

I haven’t made a blog post in a while. You can call it writer’s block. You can say I just haven’t been in a writing mood. Both are probably accurate.

But today, I have too much on my mind. The best way to get stuff off my mind is to write.

The holiday season officially starts tomorrow. If you know me, you would assume it has already started over here. I love Christmas. I love planning out everything and making lists. I always know who I need to buy for. My budget is always planned out. I know what I am buying and when. I am the queen of Christmas lists.

The tree goes up the first of November. Feel free to judge haha. But, I love the magic of Christmas. I love the lights, the music, and every single detail that goes into it. Gator and I spend so much time making sure all of our village is set up on the hutch in the best way. Austin and Gracie usually put the rest of the decorations around the house. I honestly love decorating for Christmas.

But, this blog is about being real. And to be real, Im not feeling any of it this year. The tree is still tucked away in the attic. The cookies are in the fridge waiting to be baked. I have yet to sit down and make my Christmas list. I have at least managed to buy for some people. Gator and I also managed to get our village put out.

But yall this tree. I just dont want to drag that stupid thing down from the attic. I just dont want to. Yes, I know I have to. My kids have to have a tree. So, it will go up. But I DONT WANT TO DO IT! I hope you read that as a child throwing a temper tantrum, because thats how I felt writing it haha.

This post sounds depressing Im sure. Im not depressed. For a second, I thought maybe I was. But Im not. For the most part, life has mellowed out. All of those bumps me and my kids kept hitting have finally smoothed out. Life is finally getting easier for us over here. Home is better than it ever has been. But..

The holidays are hard this year. Im not depressed, but I am grieving. I am grieving so much this year.

I am grieving Howard most of all. Christmas Eve is his day. The only day he asked everyone to save for him. We all knew to plan around that day. Christmas Eve was his. We only went for him. So now, I don’t even know what Christmas Eve looks like for us.

Im also grieving a family. By no means am I talking about my ex-husband. If you know me, you know I always did everything by myself, so there isnt anything to grieve there. But it is going to be different not helping his mom do her Christmas baking. It is going to be different not going to Grandmomma’s. My kids will miss that too. We lost Grandaddy last year, so there isnt even going to be a Christmas at Grandmomma’s for my kids this year. Brandon and I were seperated the last two Christmases, but we still did our normal Christmas routines for the kids. So this year is just different. Eleven years of doing something and it just seems weird when you dont do it.

I am grieving a part of life that was once a major part of who I was. Right now, I should be planning a Christmas play. Last year, I wrote it, acted in it, and sang in it. Every year for the last several years, I spent every Sunday afternoon in December fighting with 30 kids to practice for the Christmas play. And yes, I mean fighting with them. Those kids acted crazy on play practice days! But I miss it this year. I miss being able to help a kid practice their song or make sure they knew where they needed to be. They were all my kids on those days. We laughed, we sang, we all lost our patience most of the time, and we were family. Its a loss for me. Its a loss for my kids.

I am grieving things that Covid will most likely take away. Taking the kids to the Walk Through Bethlehem. The school wont be full of kids getting excited before Christmas break. There is so much that is different this year. Its just sad.

I need the magic. I need the Christmas spirit. So what am I going to do? The same thing I always do. Im going to keep on trucking. Im going to suck it up. Drag that stupid tree down, bake some cookies, and put on some Christmas music…You know why?

Because Christmas isnt about the tree in the attic. It isnt about the cookies. It isnt about Howard, as much as I love him. It isnt about holiday baking or traditions with Grandmomma. It isnt about the Christmas play or all of those kiddos that I miss. Its about Jesus, or it is supposed to be.

Was Jesus born December 25th? Likely not. But, its the day that was picked to celebrate the fact that He was born. So, celebrate is what I will choose to do. Because, I am thankful for my Savior.

In a year like 2020, we all should be thankful. Because I dont know about you, but I wouldnt have made it through this year without the strength that I get from Him. Without the peace that He gives me when nothing else can. So, thats what the main focus will be at my house this year. My kids have had a year. And throughout this Holiday season, I will make sure they know that its because of Him that our home has peace. It is because of Him that we have a hope. And it is because of Him that we have salvation.

That Christmas magic that I need? Ill find that in my Bible. Luke 1 and 2 to be exact. Only, it isn’t magic. Its hope, its peace, and its the only chance we have at truly having some joy.

I hope as the holidays start that you find some hope and peace in Him. Things may be different this year. They may be hard. But He can give us the peace and the joy that we need this year. Hes just waiting on us to come find it. You might just get enough joy to want to put up that stupid tree.

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